Author Journey | Journal Entry 03
This week has been intense! I'm experiencing the high highs and low lows of the many peaks and valleys of Mountain Earth. Not being a physical element myself, it's been interesting to experience awarenesses though messages from my body.
This past weekend I became overwhelmed with the "pressure to perform" at a high level. Consistently. Forever. It's burdensome, exhausting and never-ending as if there's no relief of tension in sight.
I've followed the badass boss babes in the female entrepreneur space for 6-7 years now. They like to lead with how many bestselling books or sold out courses they've had. Or brag about their 5 figure months, 6 figure launches or 7 or even 8 figure years. I would literally scroll by, genuinely congratulate them and in my head say, "Good for you, lady!" I never compared myself to them and certainly never wanted to model myself after them.
But this weekend, I began feeling really bad about myself, realizing how little I've achieved that I can actually point to and say, "I did that!" I've been doing this work for 25 years and have literally nothing to show for it! Nothing I can take a picture of, post to social media and claim I achieved or accomplished.
Even my books! They're all still an intricate and detailed tapestry woven together in my head and heart, organized in the Notion app and Apple Notes and partially written in Word documents and Scrivener. They're coming together slowly but it will still be a while yet before I'll be able to say, "Now available wherever books are sold!"
I haven't put time and energy into wanting and getting stuff and things, like big bank balances and expensive vacations, fancy houses and luxury cars. I've never made money or the acquisition and accumulation of material things a priority. I intentionally conserve my energy for the things that matter most to me. I don't have the energy required to manage or take care of things that need a lot of attention and maintenance. Raising two children on my own as a self-employed single mom for 17 years has been enough of a challenge.
As a Water element, I work on my inner self, my inner world, my inner work. And only when I feel prepared both personally and professionally, do I share. I don't feel any outside pressure from the world, nor do I put pressure on myself to work longer or harder to finish by a deadline just so I can be done. It's a process that I'm choosing to enjoy, not a destination I'm trying to arrive at by a certain date.
Take these annual guides for example. It's April. We're already almost three months into the Chinese New Year and I've only completed three of the the eight annual guides. I could blame it on the 2022 Yellow Earth "Obstacles & Delays". Or, I could just be honest about the toll writing these very comprehensive guides is taking on me and my life.
Until this weekend when I was embodying Mountain Earth, I can honestly say I've never felt a pressure to perform. As a Water element I go with the flow and make choices that honor my highest value of inner peace. I don't need or even want approval from others or look for and seek validation outside of myself.
I did check in with two Mountain Earth women to see if this "pressure to perform" was a thing and if I was on to something here. They both confirmed that what I was experiencing was true for them. One of them even sent me the link to a song that really resonated with her. It was, Surface Pressure from the animated musical Encanto, the Disney adaptation of the beloved magical realism story of generational trauma by Gabriel Garcia Marquez called, One Hundred Years of Solitude.
Surface Pressure
I'm the strong one, I'm not nervous
I'm as tough as the crust of the earth is
I move mountains, I move churches
And I glow, 'cause I know what my worth is
I don't ask how hard the work is
I've got a rough, indestructible surface
Diamonds and platinum, I find 'em, I flatten 'em
I take what I'm handed, I break what's demanded, but
Under the surface
I feel berserk as a tightrope walker in a three-ring circus
Under the surface
Was Hercules ever like, "Yo, I don't wanna fight Cerberus"?
Under the surface
I'm pretty sure I'm worthless if I can't be of service
A flaw or a crack, the straw in the stack
That breaks the camel's back
What breaks the camel's back?
It's
Pressure like a drip, drip, drip, that'll never stop, whoa-oh
Pressure that'll tip, tip, tip 'til you just go pop, whoa-oh-oh-oh
Give it to your sister, your sister's older
Give her all the heavy things that you can't shoulder
Who am I if I can't run with the ball?
If I fall to
Pressure like a grip, grip, grip, and it won't let go, whoa-oh
Pressure little tick, tick, tick 'til it's ready to blow, whoa-oh-oh-oh
Give it to your sister, your sister's stronger
See if she can hang on a little longer
Who am I if I can't carry it all?
If I falter
Under the surface
I hide my nerves and it worsens, I worry somethin' is gonna hurt us
Under the surface
The ship doesn't swerve when it heard how big the iceberg is
Under the surface
I think about my purpose, can I somehow preserve this?
Line up the dominoes, a light wind blows
You try to stop it tumbling, but on and on it goes
But wait, if I could shake, the crushing weight
Of expectations, would that free some room up for joy
Or relaxation, or simple pleasure?
Instead, we measure this growing pressure
It keeps growing, keep going, 'cause all we know is
Pressure like a drip, drip, drip that'll never stop, whoa-oh
Pressure that'll tip, tip, tip 'til you just go pop, whoa-oh-oh-oh
Give it to your sister, it doesn't hurt and
See if she can handle every family burden
Watch as she buckles and bends but never breaks
No mistakes, just
Pressure like a grip, grip, grip, and it won't let go, whoa-oh
Pressure like a tick, tick, tick 'til it's ready to blow, whoa-oh-oh-oh
Give it to your sister and never wonder
If the same pressure would've pulled you under
Who am I if I don't have what it takes?
No cracks, no breaks
No mistakes, no pressure
~ Lin-Manual Miranda
"I'm pretty sure I'm worthless if I can't be of service"? Wow! This perfectly sums up what the other Mountain Earth woman said about her need to contribute to people, yet needing to balance that with taking care of herself so she can be in good enough shape to make herself available to others.
As a spiritual element I can't relate...at all. The work I do is multi-dimensional and continual. I don't need someone to contribute to, I never do anything I don't want to do and I always prioritize my inner peace. I contribute just by being present on the planet and being intentional with what I do and say. But after having experienced this feeling myself this week, my compassion for this strong "Majestic Earth" element has expanded exponentially. Deep bow.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.
~ Najwa Zebian
As a Capri Sun, the mountain before me is an opportunity for me to BE the fullest version of who I really am. It's not a task or something I have to do. It's a challenge of achieving my personal best, not trying to beat someone else to the top. And the path provides a way for me to access and embody my True Self along the way.
The mountain goat takes its time and makes slow and steady progress to the summit. I never wonder how or when I'll reach the pinnacle. I work at mastery level and take the time I need to research, study and practice before offering a service. And I wait until I feel confident in my abilities before embarking on a new endeavor.
This high performing energy has inspired me to think about what success means to me and evaluate how I measure success. As you might guess, being a 1, it's all about me, my quality of life and creating a fulfilling career that honors my personal values.
When I made my list, none of the common author goals appeared. No NYT Bestseller or Top 100 on Amazon. Nothing about being a celebrity author or household name. Nothing about having thousands of subscribers on my email list or followers on Instagram. Nothing about millions of copies sold or millions of dollars made. I didn't even write down being financially successful enough to be a full time writer or have book royalties provide a full-time income.
My Success list is quite short. (I'm still an 8 at the moment.)
1) Write every day to become a better writer.
2) Honor my needs and values with each choice I make along the way.
3) Share my Author Journey as a form of self-expression.
4) Find new ways to connect with the people who will resonate The 8 Elements™.
5) Finish my first book.
6) Publish my first book.
7) Write and publish the other books in the series.
8) Create other ways to share more about The 8 Elements™.
Obviously, I have other goals like starting my own publishing company and podcast, publishing collector's editions and boxed sets, collaborating with artists on my card decks and my children on merch and offering workshops and memberships. But my measure of success is simple and intentional. Write about The 8 Elements™ to the best of my ability. Publish the series of books so I'm protected by copyright laws and free to share as much as I used to. And find fun ways to keep contributing valuable content to YOU!
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