Time to Say Goodbye

The Soundtrack to the Story of Us

Our love story could be told in a myriad of ways and from various points of view. I could tell the story as his soulmate or as the grieving wife and abandoned young mother. But, since Daniel and I first connected through our shared love for music, I’ll let the lyrics from the soundtrack of our lives tell the short story of us.

Soon after our families met and had begun spending time together on the weekends, we exchanged our favorite albums on CD. (It was the late ‘90’s.) He gave me American rock band, Creed’s Human Clay and a less memorable album from Jars of Clay. I gave him two of British classical crossover soprano, Sarah Brightman’s most recent albums, Time to Say Goodbye and Eden.

As a classically trained singer and lover of every era of classical music, from the Baroque through the Romantic period to the Impressionism and Expressionism of Modernism, post-grunge, alternative rock was a shock to my system. Growing up in a conservative Christian home, heavily influenced by Bill Gothard’s Basic Life Principles seminars, and his strong warnings, specifically against listening to “Christian rock”, I had never heard rock music of any kind before. I listened to long haired music, but not the head banging kind.

Honestly, every song from the Creed album sounded the same to me. It was loud and sounded angry. Incessantly aggressive, it was desperate but in a despairing way. Nevertheless, I carefully listened to the lyrics, letting the words speak to me and reveal what resonated with the innermost workings of his soul.

At the time, The 8 Elements was a recent discovery for me. But, of course, an album entitled Human Clay, would resonate with him as a Mother Earth. As would a band named, Jars of Clay. And, as did Sarah Brightman’s cover of Dust in the Wind, that he listened to from the album, Eden.

The dust has finally settled on the field of human clay
Just enough light has shown through to tell the night from the day
We're incomplete and hollow
For our maker's gone away

~ Say I

For the first year, our courtship was a mash up of time spent doing activities that included both his interests and mine. Days fishing from the side of the pontoon boat, camping at Big Bear Lake, hiking off the side of the mountain, watching him pour a concrete driveway and butcher the chickens, participating in firefighter agility tests and attending CPR training with the Crest Forest Fire Dept. and target practice at the shooting range. Nights at the San Bernardino Symphony and Galas, concerts and operas at the Redlands Bowl, Saturday morning Nutcracker rehearsals and walks around Lake Gregory. All, of course, with every member of both families present.

There's no time for us,
There's no place for us,
What is this thing that builds our dreams,
Yet slips away from us.
Who wants to live forever,
Who wants to live forever, ...?

There's no chance for us,
It's all decided for us,
This world has only one sweet moment
Set aside for us.

Who wants to live forever,
Who wants to live forever, ...?

Now touch my tears with your lips,
Touch my world with your fingertips,
And we can have forever,
And we can love forever,
Forever is our today.

Who waits forever anyway?

~ Who Wants To Live Forever

We only went on one date. It was a double date with his older brother, David and my younger sister, Danae. The brothers took us to dinner at Surfer Joe’s, followed by a game of miniature golf.

Later, when the relationship with his parents changed and our families no longer spent time together, we wrote each other letters. (Yes, in the secret code known as cursive.) Sometimes he would call from the fire station. Sometimes I would see him in the middle of the night at a structure fire, since we both worked for the local fire department, him as a Station 30 PCF (paid call firefighter) and me as a member of Support Services. And sometimes he would come to see me at the local print shop in Blue Jay, where I worked as a graphic designer.

Deliver me, out of my sadness.
Deliver me, from all of the madness.
Deliver me, courage to guide me.
Deliver me, strength from inside me.

All of my life I've been in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you
I know that you're the one to pull me through.

Deliver me, loving and caring.
Deliver me, giving and sharing.
Deliver me, the cross that I'm bearing.

~ Deliver Me

When Daniel left his dad’s construction company and moved out of his family’s home, it was his guitar that he brought with him when he walked down the long driveway to my house on Little Bear Road. He asked me to store it for him while he looked for a new job and a place to live.

There for me, every time I've been away
Will you be there for me, thinking of me ev'ry day?
Are you my destiny? Words I never dared to say
Will you be there for me?

Just think of you and me, we could never toe the line
It's such a mystery just to hear you say you're mine
And while you're close to me, so close to me
Just hold me

~ There For Me

Our relationship progressed quickly after he left his family’s business. We had coffee together in the mornings before his work day started in the paint department at Rim Forest Lumber. In the evenings, we would go for a drive in his truck, listening to country music on the radio and parking on the “rim of the world” to watch the sunset and talk into the early morning hours.

In your eyes are my secrets
That I've never shown you
In my heart I feel
I've always known you

In your arms there's a comfort
That I never knew
You're what I've been waiting for
There's no one like you

Sure as the sunrise
Pure as a prayer
You fashioned hope
Right out of thin air

Every dream I abandoned
Seems it could come true
I believe in miracles
There's no one like you

~ No One Like You

Only my mom and sister attended the marriage ceremony and witnessed our exchange of vows. We honeymooned in San Diego before starting our life together in Lake Arrowhead. Daniel completely gutted and renovated our first home, a small two bedroom house in the mountains where our son, Daniel Levi was born.

Well, I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I closed my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face

With arms wide open under the sunlight
Welcome to this place, I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

Well, I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life

If I had just one wish, only one demand
I hope he's not like me, I hope he understands
That he can take this life and hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world with arms wide open

~ With Arms Wide Open

I shared this song with my son today. After listening, he said, “Well, I'm not like him. And I am absolutely meeting the world with arms wide open. So, maybe he got his wish.”

As it turned out, he wasn’t ready to be the man he had to be. He started smoking and drinking, lying and cheating, punching walls and throwing me up against them with his hand around my throat. When I was pregnant with our daughter, he stopped coming home to me and moved in with someone else. Even his confession to adultery was a lie.

I have been blind unwilling
To see the true love you're giving
I have ignored every blessing
I'm on my knees confessing

That I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face
I am staggered by your beauty
Your unassuming grace
And I feel my heart is turning falling into place
I can't hide it now, hear my confession

I have been wrong about you
I thought I was strong without you
For so long, nothing could move me
For so long, nothing could change me

Now I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face
I am captured by your beauty
Your unassuming grace
And I feel my heart is turning falling into place
I can't hide it now, hear my confession

You are the air that I breathe
You're the ground beneath my feet
When did I stop believing

~ My Confession

As a Water element, I knew that his confession to being unfaithful was sentencing me to a life alone. I loved him and would have taken him back if he had chosen to recommit himself to me, our marriage and family. And for the first few years, I sincerely hoped we would choose each other again.

Somewhere in time I know,
Darling you'll come back to me.
Roses will bloom again,
But Spring feels like eternity.
In your kiss it wasn't goodbye.
You are still the reason why.

I can hear you whispering in the silence of my room,
My heart still surrenders like the sun to the moon.
I can barely stand this aching, burning endlessly.
"Love me now forever,"
Were the last words you said to me.

And when the morning comes,
My hands still reach out for you.
Some things remain the same,
There is nothing I can do.
I can barely get through the day
Ever since you went away.

I can hear you whispering in the silence of my room,
My heart still surrenders like the sun to the moon.
I can barely stand this aching, burning endlessly.
"Love me now forever,"
Were your last words to me ...

Heaven help us cross this endless sea
With starlight above to guide you to me.
Waves crashing on distant shores,
They're calling our names forever more.

And I still hear you whispering in the silence of my room,
My heart still surrenders like the sun to the moon.
I can barely stand this aching, burning endlessly.
"Love me now forever,"
Were the last words you said to me.

~ The Last Words You Said

But he had chosen another path, one that would seldom ever cross mine again. Apart from some very infrequent supervised visitation of our two children in the early years, we almost never saw each other.

We held hands in the courtroom as we awaited the judge to announce that our divorce was officially final. He was my best friend, my husband and the father of my children. And it was the end of our relationship after only three years of marriage.

The grieving process was long and slow. I felt like a widow. I cried every day for years.

She came calling one early morning
She showed her crown of thorns
She whispered softly to tell her story
About how she had been wronged
As she lay lifeless
He stole her innocence
And this is how she carried on
This is how she carried on

Well, I guess she closed her eyes
And just imagined everything's alright
But she could not hide her tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years

My anger's violent but still I'm silent
When tradegy strikes at home
I know this decadence is shared by millions
Remember you're not alone
Remember you're not alone

Well, if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years

~ Wash Away Those Years

I kept his name. I didn’t want to distance myself from our children who also had his name. Later, I chose a last name to use for my business and on social media. Now that my children are 20 and nearly 18, it’s time to legally change it.

Did you ever think of me
As your best friend?
Did I ever think of you?
I'm not complaining

I never tried to feel
I never tried to feel
This vibration
I never tried to reach
I never tried to reach
Your eden

Did I ever think of you
As my enemy?
Did you ever think of me?
I'm not complaining

I never tried to feel
I never tried to feel
This vibration
I never tried to reach
I never tried to reach
Your eden

~ Eden

If only I knew then how much the music we listen to not only provides insight into our hearts and minds, but how it can also shape our lives. Creed’s lyricist and lead vocalist was an alcoholic and drug addict who has been charged with reckless driving and domestic violence and has both contemplated and attempted suicide. Once, Daniel showed me how he would take his own life. The title of Creed’s first album, My Own Prison, seemed to predict Daniel’s future, just as another classical crossover artist, Josh Groban’s song, My Confession, foretold mine.

For the first few years, when he would ask to see the children, we would meet in a public place like a community park or at the lake after he got off work at 4pm. One evening he never showed up at the appointed time. The next day I accepted a collect call from jail.

He’d been drinking and driving. There’d been a collision and someone had died. He would be sentenced to 15 years.

Court is in session, a verdict is in
No appeal on the docket today just my own sin
The walls cold and pale, the cage made of steel
Screams fill the room, alone I drop and kneel
Silence now the sound, my breath the only motion around
Demons cluttering around, my face showing no emotion
Shackled by my sentence, expecting no return
Here there is no penance, my skin begins to burn

~ My Own Prison

Once again, we wrote to each other. The last letter I sent to him in prison was in the Spring of 2015. He had made Larissa a beautiful jewelry box for her birthday.

He texted after getting out of prison the second time, for another DUI. But he never called at the appointed time to talk to me or his children.

I always thought we would meet again. But now I know that meeting won’t be in this lifetime.

Hello my friend we meet again
It's been a while where should we begin?
Feels like forever
Within my heart are memories
Of perfect love that you gave to me
Oh I remember

~ My Sacrifice

I have loved him in past lives. I would have loved him all his life in this lifetime, if only he would have let me. And I will love him in future lives, whenever we meet again.

Until then, it’s…time to say goodbye.

I'm looking down now that it's over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in his grace

I cried out, Heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it, let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
Maybe six feet ain't so far down

~ One Last Breath

Note: As of this date, no obituary has been published for Daniel Guderjohn Palmer. I was notified of his passing via text by someone who did not identify themselves. A family member has confirmed his death on social media. He was 42. The cause of his death is unknown to me.

I close my eyes
Only for a moment and the moment's gone
All my dreams pass before my eyes in curiosity

Dust in the wind
All they are is dust in the wind

Same old song
Just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind

Don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away and all your money won't another minute buy

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind

~ Dust in the Wind

Daniel,

When I think of you or miss you, I will remember that you’re only an ocean away.

I see a shadow every day and night.
I walk a hundred streets of neon lights,
Only when I'm crying.
Can you hear me crying.
So many times you always wanted more,
Chasing illusions that you're longing for.
Wish I wasn't crying.
Can you hear me crying.

There's an ocean between us.
You know where to find me.
You reach out and touch me.
I feel you in my own heart.
More than a lifetime.
Still goes on forever.
But it helps to remember
You're only an ocean away.

Was there a moment when I felt no pain.
I want to feel it in my life again.
Let it be over now.
Oh Oh over now.
'Cause I remember all the days and nights
We used to walk the streets of neon lights
Oh I want you here with me.
Oh be here with me.

There's an ocean between us.
You know where to find me.
You reach out and touch me.
I feel you in my own heart.
More than a lifetime
Still goes on forever.
But it helps to remember
You're only an ocean away.

~ Only An Ocean Away

🫧

Pearls of Wisdom is a personal blog of the wisdom writings of Dara Eden that fall outside the realms of feng shui, The 8 Elements and her other personal energy work. Established in 2014, the blog is an expression of her highest values: Sovereignty, Truth, Wisdom & Inner Peace. It’s devoted to increasing awareness, expanding consciousness, bringing knowledge, sharing innerstandings and offering wisdom to the sovereign souls inhabiting the Earth.

Dara Eden is a writer and wisdom keepHER. The name, Dara, means “pearl of wisdom”. Pearls are formed when a microscopic irritant, like a grain of sand, embeds itself within the soft tissue of a shelled mollusk. To protect itself, the oyster or clam covers the invading gritty particle with concentric layers of iridescent crystalline calcium to form treasures, pearls of great beauty and worth. Gifts of the sea, pearls are the oldest known gem and the only gem that does not need to be cut, shaped or polished. Pearls are associated with elegance and luxury and are a symbol of mystery and purity. Pearls represent priceless knowledge, the rare wisdom that begins as a tiny, random, common irritant.