Skipless

On Tortured Souls

I remember, in the second year of classical voice lessons, being told that for the timbre of my spinto soprano to express the subtle nuances of raw and true emotions, I’d have to experience some more life. I’d have to die from a broken heart and yet live to tell the tale. I’d have to become a tortured poet...for art’s sake. Because that’s where the art that touches people’s hearts comes from. A poet’s tortured soul.

I was 16.

Now thirty years later, I’ve lived. And loved. And lost.

I love you. It’s ruining my life.

~ Fortnight

Loving him ruined my life. Not just then. But even now…nearly twenty years later.

I didn’t have Forget Him pills. Nor did I take the miracle move on drug. Thankfully. Because I hear that with rebounds, the effects are temporary.

Who’s gonna hold you like me? Nobody. nofuckinbody.

~ The Tortured Poets Department

Intrigued by the title, over the weekend, I was one of the millions of people who listened to Taylor Swift’s new double album, The Tortured Poets Department. Not a Swiftie, obsessed with every minute detail of her love life or with finding Easter eggs or clues to decode, I listened to her anthology of a sad story as a woman who’s lost the love of her life and as a fellow writer with a poetic soul.

They say to write what you know. To write from life. But to do so is to lay bare one’s soul for all to see. To reveal your innermost thoughts and feelings for the world to know…and judge. Or, relate to and resonate with.

It’s a risky business. Which is why most people keep their thoughts and feelings secret, under lock and key, behind closed doors and hidden on the pages of their journals.

Not a fan of pop or synth, I opted to watch the playlist of 31 lyric videos so I could read the words populating in synch on shades of greige.

Still a boy when I married him, I had yet to realize the dangers of a one-man woman vowing lifelong fidelity to an element who loves coupling up early and often, not forever and for always.

He saw forever so he smashed it up.

~ My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys

Not only did I lose a husband and the father of my children. I lost my soulmate. My best friend. And I kept the hope alive all these years that we would choose each other again.

Just say when. I’d play again.

He was my best friend.

~ My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys

But we never did. He kept coupled up. And I stayed single for two decades.

Like I lost my twin.

Fuck it if I can’t have him

~ Down Bad

And I cried every day…for years.

So how much sad did you think I had

Did you think I had in me?

~ So Long, London

Sad because, he may not have been “the one”…

But he’s THE ONE I want.

~ But Daddy I Love Him

When he left, I told him I felt like he was sentencing me to a life alone.

But it’s gonna be alright.

I did my time.

~ Fresh Out the Slammer

And so did he.

And your cheating husband disappeared, well…

No one asks any questions here

~ Florida

All the time apart…the days were long and the years were short.

If long suffering propriety is what they want from me

They don’t know how you’ve haunted me so stunningly

I choose you and me…religiously

~ Guilty as Sin

But, love of my life…

You’re the loss of my life.

~ loml

“He said he’d love me all his life. But that life was too short.”

He left after less than three years of marriage. I had our two young children to raise. I started my own business so I could be home with them. I had to do it all. All by myself.

I cry a lot but I am so productive.

It’s an art.

You know you’re good when you can even do it

with a broken heart.

~ I Can Do It With a Broken Heart

So…

I move through the world with the heartbroken

My longings stay unspoken

And I may never open up

The way I did for you

~ The Black Dog

“I can’t pretend I understand.” There never was any explanation. He just stopped coming home to me.

“We’ll tell no one. Except all of our friends. But I still don’t know. How did it end?”

Say it once again with feeling

How the death rattle breathing

Silenced as the soul was leaving

The deflation of our dreaming

Leaving me bereft and reeling

My beloved ghost and me

Sitting in a tree

D-Y-I-N-G

~ How Did it End?

I would sit by the window. Waiting for him to come home. And leave the light on for him when I would finally go to bed…alone, again.

promises,

oceans deep

but never to keep

never to keep

~ Peter

“But the woman who sits by the window has turned out the light.”

And the years passed like scenes of a show.

The professor said to write what you know

Looking backwards

might be the only way to move forward.

And the tears fell in synchronicity with the score.

And at last

She knew what the agony had been for.

~ The Manuscript

For art’s sake.

All of this to say

I hope you’re ok

But you’re the reason

And no one here’s to blame

But what about your quiet treason?

~ Fortnight

So Maria, you were right. I did have to live and love. Be loved and left. Experience loss and fifty shades of grief. To infuse genuine emotion into my voice.

But did it have to ruin my life?

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Pearls of Wisdom is a personal blog of the wisdom writings of Dara Eden that fall outside the realms of feng shui, The 8 Elements and her other personal energy work. Established in 2014, the blog is an expression of her highest values: Sovereignty, Truth, Wisdom & Inner Peace. It’s devoted to increasing awareness, expanding consciousness, bringing knowledge, sharing innerstandings and offering wisdom to the sovereign souls inhabiting the Earth.

Dara Eden is a writer and wisdom keepHER. The name, Dara, means “pearl of wisdom”. Pearls are formed when a microscopic irritant, like a grain of sand, embeds itself within the soft tissue of a shelled mollusk. To protect itself, the oyster or clam covers the invading gritty particle with concentric layers of iridescent crystalline calcium to form treasures, pearls of great beauty and worth. Gifts of the sea, pearls are the oldest known gem and the only gem that does not need to be cut, shaped or polished. Pearls are associated with elegance and luxury and are a symbol of mystery and purity. Pearls represent priceless knowledge, the rare wisdom that begins as a tiny, random, common irritant.