This year with the Hard Wood energy in the Southwest, women will throw shade.
According to Anna Holmes, shade is "the art of the sidelong insult". She wrote, "Shade can take many forms — a hard, deep look that could be either aggressive or searching, a compliment that could be interpreted as the opposite of one".
The dictionary defines shade as the "subtle, sneering expression of contempt for or disgust with someone - sometimes verbal, and sometimes not".
And, Willi Ninja has described shade as a, "nonverbal response to verbal or nonverbal abuse. Shade is about using certain mannerisms in battle."
We don't normally view Hard Wood elements as combative, or even confrontational. In balance, they can be quite kind and compassionate, complimentary and thoughtful. But when out of balance, their need to defend themselves from criticism or protect themselves from having to make unwanted course corrections, can result in turning negative attention toward others instead.
Throwing shade is: "the processes of a publicly performed dissimulation that aims either to protect oneself from ridicule or to verbally or psychologically attack others in a haughty or derogatory manner."
John C. Hawley
Frenemies
With Hard Wood being the early childhood stage of development, and not yet mastering using their words, non-verbal attacks are a protective mechanism used to control abusers. It's also a way to actively acknowledge the presence of someone while at the same time ignoring a person they don't like or who has dissed them in the past. Shade throwers can do this to friends in jest, as well.
An intimate friend and a hated enemy have always been indispensable to my emotional life…not infrequently…friend and enemy have coincided in the same person.
Freud
The dictionary definition of this oxymoron is, "a person with whom one is friendly, despite a fundamental dislike or rivalry". This includes being friendly with people you don't like, agree with or respect, just to sell them something, make money from a business partnership or to get them to do something for you.
According to Wikipedia and its various sources, I was astounded to read about the many different kinds of frienemies.
One-sided frenemy: When one person reaches out or meets another person only when they need help or a favor, they can be considered a one-sided frenemy to the latter person. This person doesn't care about the life of the other person and doesn't have any interest in what is going on with them. Also, they do not show up in time to meet the other's need, so it is a one-sided relationship.
Unfiltered/Undermining frenemy: This type of frenemy insults their friend, makes fun of them, and cracks sarcastic jokes about them so frequently that it gets hard for them to tolerate. They disclose their secrets in public. So, that person will eventually start to hate this frenemy.
Over-involved frenemy: This kind of frenemy gets involved in their friend's life in ways that they might not approve. They reach out to their family, friends or significant others in inappropriate ways without their permission to find something out. Their over-involvement bothers and irritates the friend.
Competitive work frenemy: This kind of frenemy is basically a competitor to one person. Since they work in the same place or area, they behave well, make compliments and act as a well-wisher, but in reality, they never want something good to happen to the other. They never want the other to become more successful than them.
Ambivalent frenemy: This kind of frenemy has both positive and negative qualities. Sometimes they can be helpful and polite but sometimes they also act in a selfish or competitive way.
Jealous frenemy: Jealousy can turn friends into frenemies A person may become jealous of their friends because of their raise, success, beauty, personality, humor, or social status.
Unsure frenemy: When one does not know exactly the status or closeness of their friendship. For example, they are not sure if the other person likes them or not, if they are real friends or just business friends, or if they will consider inviting them to family programs.
Passive-aggressive frenemy: They make mean remarks and give backhand compliments, but never directly to one's face. They can leave a person feeling confused about whether they have done something wrong
Relationships between women may end with this frienemy energy in the House of Women all year. Either because their enmity toward you is revealed or their inauthenticity with others is uncovered. Or, they flat-out betray your trust with gossip.
It may also provide an opportunity to have honest conversations that will strengthen our relationships with other women. Much of how this might go depends on the damage that's been done, genuine apologies and following through on commitments to change and how much you value each other and the relationship. Only true friendships will survive this year. The ones that end, create space for new friendships with people who share your values and who will become a valued member of your inner circle.
The 3 Cs
Hard Wood elements tend to express themselves through the three Cs: control, complaints and criticism. Throwing shade allows them to do all three with a single gesture, glare or snide remark under their breath.
Hard Wood is the troublemaker energy in feng shui. They like to stir up trouble among people, especially within dysfunctional family units and the most intimate relationships. They will purposely create problems in order to provide an opportunity to work it out. To provoke emotions in others, they will make up some drama, so they can bear witness to the emoting that happens next.
You don't have to tolerate the covetous behavior of "mean girls". Be intentional about setting and reinforcing boundaries with the control freaks, avoiding interactions with those who lead with their complaints and limiting the time you spend with those who are critical of everything you do and don't do, say and don't say.
